


God Knows I Try

by castlequill



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Castiel is a precious cinnamon roll who only wants to protect people, Destiel - Freeform, Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-06
Updated: 2016-05-06
Packaged: 2018-06-06 19:02:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6766003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/castlequill/pseuds/castlequill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel has always wanted to do the right thing. But over the years, he's begun rethinking what the "right thing" actually is.</p><p>Before, it meant obeying Heaven. Following their every command without thought, and believing that they were right without questioning the consequences.</p><p>Now, it means saving Dean.</p>
            </blockquote>





	God Knows I Try

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was written as a prize for a giveaway held by the Supernatural Fanimation, which is a fan-made rewrite of SPN season 9. If you haven't heard of it, you can click [here](http://spnfanimation.tumblr.com/tagged/about) for more information, or you can click [here](https://youtu.be/iil-PByL3Pg) to watch the first episode. 
> 
> This story is for effulgence-imbued, who requested a Destiel fic based off the song The Grace by Neverending White Lights.

His orders from Heaven were never easy, but they were always simple. They spoke, he listened. Emotions, feelings, desire - they were never something that he experienced, let alone something that he would allow to cloud his judgment.

Until-

"I'm an angel of the lord."

Dean Winchester. The Righteous Man. Michael's true vessel. Heaven spoke often of the Winchesters, but somehow the sight of him was more than Castiel was expecting. It was strange. Castiel and his brethren were created to protect humanity, literally designed for this purpose, and yet it had somehow never occurred to him that the Righteous Man would be so… human.

Of course, Castiel had known his species. It was simply that he had never thought of it in more than an abstract sense. Dean Winchester was a piece of a greater plan, and Castiel had thought of him as such. He hadn't planned on Dean's fear and anger, the viciousness with which he plunged his knife into Castiel's chest. The worry and care he showed for the man beside him. The panic on his face when Castiel told him the truth about angels. His love. His determination. All of it.

He couldn't help but wonder if this was a failure on Heaven's part or on his own. Maybe it was a fault in his own programming, but Castiel almost thought that Heaven should have planned for this eventuality. It seemed inevitable, almost, how Castiel would be swayed to his side. As if there had never been any other option.

Centuries of destiny, and Castiel threw it away for one man who only wanted to save his brother. The path that he'd been taught to walk had been erased, leaving nothing but uncertainty in its wake. God's plan, the purpose they'd been built for, gone.

_it's never gonna happen now_

* * *

 

Lucifer was risen, but Dean had no intention of giving in to Michael. The world was awash with chaos, destruction. If there was any hope to be had, they didn't know where to find it. There was nothing left to do, except to hold out and try to save as many humans as possible. But they were losing ground, and more and more people were paying the price.

And yet, no matter how hopeless and painful it was to struggle in vain, Castiel still was not prepared for the moment when Dean gave in.

"I rebelled for this?"

He had Dean pressed against the wall, his face barely an inch from Dean's. Close enough that their lips could almost touch. It was a thought that Castiel still didn't understand, nothing but a faint hint at something that confused him, something that was the farthest thing from his mind at the moment. But he still noticed.

"I gave everything for you, and this is what you give to me?"

If Dean gave in, then Castiel was wrong. They would end up back exactly where they would have been if Castiel had never rebelled, if he had remained strong and sealed his heart against Dean Winchester's pleas. The only difference would be that hundreds of humans had died in the months that they had fought in vain. That number was nothing on the number that would die in the final battle, but there was one important difference - if he had been wrong to trust Dean, then those deaths would be on Castiel's hands.

But that wasn't the full reason. Castiel could accept that he had made a mistake. He couldn't accept that Dean had given up.

He touched his hand to the side of Dean's neck and watched him collapse. But he couldn't shake the look that he had seen in Dean's eyes the moment before the man had lost consciousness. It was a look of a man who had accepted his fate, and had no reason left to fight. It was the pure hopelessness that came only when you had nothing left.

Dean Winchester was a man defeated, and that scared Castiel more than anything that Lucifer could do.

_and all at once you forget to try_

* * *

Dean Winchester didn't say yes. But his brothers did.

It wasn’t the ending that Heaven had wanted, but it was still the end. Michael in Adam's body, Lucifer in Sam's. Ready to begin their final battle and destroy the world.

Dean and Sam had a plan, a way to end all this. But Sam wasn’t strong enough to resist Lucifer. They failed.

Almost.

"Hey, ass-butt!"

It couldn't harm Michael. But it could slow him, and that would have to be enough.

Dean needed to speak to his brother. If he could get through to him, then they would win. If he couldn't, then the world would burn. Either way it was the only chance they had left.

Castiel knew that he was going to die a moment before it happened. He wasn't surprised, and he didn't regret it.

And somehow, it also didn't surprise him when he found himself standing by Dean’s side. He didn't understand it, but he didn't need to. Like everything that had happened since he had sided with Dean, this just felt… right. As though he were meant to be here, by Dean's side.

_i'll get back to you_

* * *

Castiel couldn't allow it to end like this.

There was a way to save them, Sam and Dean both. To raise Sam from Hell, and to raise Dean from the brokenness that had engulfed his life.

It went against everything that angels were supposed to do, all of the rules that had been laid out for them. By this point that was hardly anything new.

i'd go there if you'd let me

* * *

He had made a mistake. Many mistakes.

He'd had all the best intentions. Stopping Raphael, saving humanity yet again. Yet here he was, staring into the mirror as the leviathans writhed beneath his skin. His intentions hadn’t changed the outcome at all.

He had to fix this. No matter the cost. He had to make things right again.

And for a moment, he thought that he had. For a moment, he almost thought that it would be okay again. That he could stay with Dean and work to regain the man's trust. For a moment, Dean almost seemed like he believed it as well.

Then the Leviathans broke free.

_i'm so used to being wrong_

* * *

For a long time, he hadn't remembered Dean Winchester. It had been easier. Almost happier. He could live with the human woman who had rescued him, feeling compassion but no passion for her. The life he lived was an easy one. No struggles, no hopeless battles.

And yet, the moment that Castiel's memories returned, he knew that he would never have it another way. He would rather be here and hopeless than with her and hopeful. Because he wasn't fighting for himself. He was fighting for Dean, and anything that made Dean happier would be worth it, no matter the cost to himself.

And anyway, Castiel had created these problems. He was the one who had to fix them.

It was cruel, that Castiel had discovered Dean again only to lose him immediately. He only had to look at Dean's face to know that he felt the same pain and devastation. But it would be crueler to allow Sam to suffer the pain that Castiel had inflicted. And Dean needed his brother.

Castiel didn't hesitate. He reached out and felt the pain and insanity that was running rampant through Sam's mind, and he took it upon himself.

_my life is always empty_

* * *

In Purgatory, everything was crystal clear. In more ways than one.

He had his sanity back, and though he didn't quite understand, he didn't question it. But more importantly, he finally understood. He was dangerous here, a beacon of light practically begging every monster to come for him. And he was dangerous on Earth, throwing the Winchesters into countless life-or-death struggles that had been caused by his mistakes. He couldn't be with Dean, in any world.

And yet-

"I'm not leaving here without you."

Dean still came for him. He promised that they would escape together or not at all.

Castiel wanted it. He wanted Dean. But he knew better than to believe that it could work.

He almost couldn't force himself to shake free from Dean's hand when he tried to pull him through the portal.

But he did.

_these things, they will never be_

* * *

But somehow he did come back.

It didn’t make sense. He had exiled himself, forced himself to stay as far from Dean as he could, and yet he still found himself standing in Dean’s motel room. Like it was meant to be. As though some unseen force had decided that Castiel needed to remain by Dean’s side, despite all Castiel’s attempts to stay away.

He could almost believe that explanation. After all, this wasn’t the first time he had been saved for Dean.

Maybe he would never know what had done it. What he did know was that Dean’s face was almost a prayer, shaking his head in denial even as his eyes begged for this to be true. Castiel was sure that his own face must be the same, and his hands trembled with the longing to reach out and touch, but he didn’t dare close the distance between them. Just in case this was a dream, and reaching toward him made him disappear completely.

But this was real, and he knew it, even if his mind couldn’t quite believe it. And for a quick, shining moment, Castiel truly believed that everything would be okay.

_i get back to you_

* * *

It was too good to be true. It always was.

Naomi held the reins to his mind, and slowly but surely, she broke him.

The first time he killed a copy of Dean, he had enough of his mind to know that this wasn't real. This was training - this was torture. Dean was safe, and his safety didn't depend on whether or not Castiel could bring himself to stab an angel blade through this fake. It was almost easy, secure in the knowledge that none of this was real.

By the tenth time, reality was already beginning to blur.

The fiftieth time, and he couldn't tell what was real and what was fabrication, whether his knife was tearing through the real Dean or just another clone. Every kill was followed by a bolt of fear, a moment of oh god why as he desperately searched for signs that it wasn’t actually Dean who was bleeding out on the concrete. It was only when the next copy was brought out that he could relax, knowing that if the true Dean had been killed, there would be no reason to continue this practice. Then it would be time for the next Dean to die, and the cycle would begin anew.

By the seventieth time, he couldn't bring himself to care anymore.

He was broken. He was powerful. He was the perfect soldier.

It was different with the real Dean. The fake Deans had screamed and begged for their lives, had cursed Castiel's name and screamed their fury in his face. The real Dean's voice was soft, and held nothing but love.

"I need you."

That was all it took.

"You're family."

Naomi's hold broke.

"I won't hurt Dean."

But he was weak. His mind felt fractured in every place that Naomi had touched, and he didn’t know how long it would take her to bring him back under her control. More than that, he couldn’t trust himself to break free again. Maybe this time had been a sign of his strength, or maybe it had been pure luck and desperation. Either way, the images of a hundred dead Deans were still burned into his memory. He had to escape before Naomi could try to reprogram him, and once again he had to stay far from Dean’s side. Just in case.

He took the angel tablet with him. Hid it beneath his skin, teleported from one restaurant to the other until even he couldn't tell them apart anymore, letting one day blur into the next. He knew nothing but the same scenery, the same four walls that never changed no matter where in the country he went. And all that time, there was only one thought looping through his mind.

He had failed Dean so many times before. He could not allow himself to do so again.

_they're never gonna find me now_

* * *

By now, Castiel knew what happened when he tried to fix his mistakes. He shouldn't have expected anything different.

He tried to take down Raphael, and he released the leviathans.

He tried to save Dean by remaining in Purgatory, and it just allowed Naomi to take control of him.

He tried to keep the angel tablet from Heaven's grasp, but he couldn't outrun them forever.

This time, he trusted Metatron.

The angels fell.

He'd never wanted any of this to happen. Never wanted anything except to save the brothers he had grown to love.

_but i still lose_

* * *

Castiel had lived for millions of years. He had seen empires rise and fall, watched the world shift and change in ways that he had never imagined. He had an intimate knowledge of anatomy and neurology. He could name every part of the human brain, explain in depth the purpose of neurotransmitters and the way that every single nerve contributed to the creation of thought. And yet, despite all the knowledge he had gained over the course of his existence, he was still never able to understand the reasoning behind human thought.

Maybe he would be able to understand now that he had been made human, but he didn't think it likely.

Dean still wanted him.

After every way that Castiel had failed, every way that Castiel had caused him pain, Dean was still on his side. He wanted Castiel to come to the bunker, to stay with them.

Castiel thought about resisting. His proximity just increased his chances of causing pain. He should run again, give up on trying to make things right.

But he was tired. Every time he tried to stay away, it ended in suffering. At this point, he couldn't trust himself to make the right choice about anything. And more than that- After everything that he had lost, he didn't think that he could force himself to give Dean up. Not again.

Dean was waiting for him at the bunker. He said that Sam was healing, that it would be a long struggle, but he would be alright. That the angels were hurt, but they could fix this. That everything was a mess, but they weren't giving up.

And he said, "Stay with me."

Castiel swallowed, and almost couldn't bring himself to look at Dean.

"Even if you're human, it doesn't make a difference, okay? I still need you."

Pause.

Deep breath.

"I always need you, Cas."

It didn't make sense. But there was only one answer that Castiel could give.

"I won't leave you," he promised.

Dean nodded. Castiel stepped closer. He didn't consciously decide to lift his hand to cup Dean's cheek, but that was what happened. Dean looked away, seemingly struggling to keep himself under control, but he only lasted a moment before he turned his eyes back toward Castiel's. They stared each other down, and Castiel felt something stirring in his chest, something that he had tried to hard to ignore, because he could never have it.

Dean was the one to close the distance between them, and Castiel finally knew what it felt like to have those lips against his own, to feel Dean's stubble against his cheeks and his hands in his hair. Castiel's hands were out of his own control, clutching Dean's jacket with a desperation that he hadn't known that he possessed. Part of him kept expecting Dean to pull away any moment. He didn't.

Castiel used to think that everything that he did for Dean was right, that it was meant to be. Everything had grown so much more complicated since then, but now, Castiel finally remembered why he had believed so fiercely that he was doing the right thing. It was for Dean. Everything was always for Dean.

_i'm not alone_

* * *

Metatron was still in power. The angels were angry and out for vengeance. Human bodily functions were confusing, and their emotions were exhilarating. He didn't know if he would ever reclaim his grace, or what would happen to him if he did. It would be a long time before Sam could hunt again, and every day that they spent holing out in the bunker just made their problems pile higher.

But all of that seemed far away when he woke in bed beside Dean, watching the slow rise and fall of the other man's chest, memorizing the way that sleep made him actually look like he was at peace for a few short hours. Castiel still didn't know whether this could possibly last. But he was starting to believe that it would.

_i'm so used to being wrong_

But this? This was right.


End file.
